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The Bitch Never Really Loved Me
I say "bitch" because
I hate the word,
Not because it's fair.
Here is where I describe how
She really feels,
Using cartoon characters:
He's just a plaything,
Debauchery and
Creeping old age...
Why be so damn
Sensitive?
Lust and entertainment.
Hold your judgment,
Fool.
The liar in me wants
To be angry, so mad
I can't hear the angel
Singing on the other
Shoulder.
I say "mad"
Because it
Works both ways.
It's my fault, really.
It's a very simple rule:
Don't fall in love
With someone else's wife.
Chuckling,
Here's where I
Burn in my
Deliberate hell.
Love.
"I'm sorry" doesn't work.
Love.
I told her to fuck off.
Love.
It wasn't shallow,
Her eyes still light
The moments from years away,
Our conversations flame
Upon fingertips...
Empty.
Love.
It was an accident, error
Of fate.
Love.
I tried, damn it all,
Beat my fists against
Everything to get away,
Wished death instead of this,
This foreign feeling,
Unrelenting.
Love.
She held my hands in time,
Accepted tears,
Persevered, found
The truth in me
Otherwise unseen.
Love.
I moved away.
Love.
I stopped talking to her...
Off, on, off, on,
Off again, I mean it this time.
Love.
I mean it, I swear.
Love.
I self-destructed.
Love.
Let's be psychologists:
What is attraction anyway?
Superficial.
We all make mistakes,
Wipe the feast from
Your face with
Cotton lace napkins...
Make a place at the
Table for repentance,
For purity.
Let's be fathers.
Let's be prophets.
Love.
I made the blind man excuses...
Maybe they aren't really
Married, huh?
Maybe he's her father,
Her brother, maybe
It's a business deal,
Maybe he's gay...
I swear I did those things.
Blind man's jokes.
Love.
I swear.
Love.
No, I wasn't so good as that,
I'm misleading you...
I spent every waking moment
Thinking of her...
Every opportunity
To be with her...
We kissed like tornadoes,
Made love in the hurricane.
We walked the beach,
Laughed and cried...
Spoke of fantasies,
And worlds where
We were allowed.
Love.
I moved away.
Love.
And every sleeping moment.
Love.
I told her she was selfish.
Love.
I pointed it out,
This mistake...
Argued for her to
Make a choice,
Sort out her life.
Be true,
Be genuine,
Be honest.
Love.
I told her to fuck off.
Love.
I loved someone else,
I was sure I did.
I tried to love someone else.
I think I did.
I tried, no,
That was cruel.
I didn't mean to be cruel...
I wanted to love again.
There are other beautiful people
That aren't mistakes.
Love.
I know they are there.
Love.
Like her.
Love.
Not fair.
Love.
I wrote a lot of poems,
You know...
Love.
Some of them too long.
Love.
Not long enough.
Love.
I wrote a last poem
About her, just the
Other day.
Love.
I tried to make it the
"Last poem."
Love.
At least I'm posting this
Somewhere new,
Where I don't think
She'll see it.
Love.
Trying to not love her
Has been a very painful
Part of these
Last 9 or 10 years.
Love.
I've hated her,
Not really.
Love.
I've hated love,
I've hated myself,
I've hated life,
I've hated fate...
Love.
I've hated him.
Love.
Not really.
Love.
It's not his fault.
Love.
It's my fault.
Love.
It's my fault.
Love.
I've hated myself.
Love.
I wrote a poem
That called her
A bitch,
And didn't mean it.
Love.
I mean, I didn't really mean
She's a bitch who
Never loved me.
Love.
But, I thought it would help.
Love.
Please.
Love.
Fuck off.
Love.
Please hate me and
Fuck off.
Love.
Oh, shut-up,
Stop singing.
-Gray Squirrel
4/28/2001
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